Since having children, I feel like my time is either occupied by work or taken over by my children. My little girl always clings to me whenever I'm at home, leaving me with no time for myself.
After turning 35, my body started to decline, but the burden also became heavier. Work has been stressful in recent years and things haven't been going smoothly. I used to think that as long as I did my job well, it would be enough in the workplace. But now I realize how naive I was. There are too many people in China working in technology, and unless you stand out, you're just a stepping stone for the leaders. Once they're done with you, they'll discard you. This has led me to be on the fringes even now. However, I have learned to not take these things too seriously. Having a stable job is enough for me.
In terms of family, both my parents and my in-laws are getting older, and I really want to spend more time with them, but I always find it difficult to make time. During Chinese New Year, my parents come over to celebrate with us. My wife also has a good mindset and doesn't show any worries. She just lies on the couch and starts scrolling through her phone when she comes home. She doesn't have many aspirations in the first-tier city. With her 6000 yuan salary, she enjoys her life. I'm the one burdened with the mortgage, so sometimes I feel overwhelmed.
I can't say that I have a strong career ambition, but I always want to do something, create something. I used to have a lot of ideas and planned to pursue them once the mortgage was paid off. After all, we shouldn't take our dreams to the grave, right? But reality always leaves people helpless. I still have around 2 million yuan left to pay for the mortgage, and given the current situation, I feel like there's a high risk of losing my job at the current company because I don't know when the department will be optimized. What's even more fatal is that as I get older, I have fewer and fewer ideas.
The mortgage has really ruined a group of people from the 80s and 90s. This group of people didn't receive job assignments after graduating and fell into a mortgage crisis after starting to work. Those who choose to take the civil service exam are considered clear-minded, but their numbers are limited. I envy the lifestyle in Europe and America. I feel like the current atmosphere in China is too intense. If I were to finish work at 6 o'clock one day, it would feel like a mini weekend.
Looking back at my young dreams now, I realize how difficult it is to persist. Currently, society in China is still in a stage of internal consumption, and it's really hard to achieve peaceful and steady development.